There Will Be Sun
by Chelseadaggz
Summary: Prompt from Tumblr - Regina goes to grief counselling after the loss of her husband Daniel & meets Robin, who recently lost his wife Marian. TW: Talks of minor character death and heavy in grief. OQ AU
1. Chapter 1

**There's not much Robin in this chapter because I felt like it needed to be a kind of establisher for what this story is going to be. It began with a prompt given to me on Tumblr - Regina goes to grief counseling after the loss of her husband Daniel & meets Robin, who recently lost his wife Marian. There is more to the prompt but I don't want to give too much away...although I reckon you can guess what kind of story this will turn into considering it's Outlaw Queen :) **

**Well things have gotta be bad before they can get good right?**

"It's...well," she looked down at the hands in her lap, fingers twisting together restlessly as she tried to find the strength to continue on through the thickness of her throat. She'd been coming here for around 3 weeks now and tonight, well it was only fair that she speak after so long of listening to other stories, other brave members sharing their own tales of debilitating grief that had led them here, into this room and into this _circle of safety_ as the group leader referred to it.

"It's okay, Regina" Archie spoke gently, as he always did, as he was somewhat revered for, and though it should have been encouraging, she only felt more pressured by the last vestiges of pride she had left, pride instilled within her by her mother, a woman of no emotions and the strong belief that love was weakness...well, with the way Regina felt now, with the aching that never seemed to subside within her chest and the belief that the pain would merely go on for the rest of her days left in this world, she couldn't say she disagreed with her but no, that was wrong, she had spent countless amounts of dollars being told that exact thing by the same therapist who had suggested these meetings, had gone as far as to suggest it quite loudly one day when Emma had stopped by to pick her up, full well knowing that though he wasn't breaking the patient-doctor code, the blonde would most definitely hear and would most _definitely_ nag Regina until she succumbed and attended the meetings...and here she was.

"Look," she sighed deeply finally, pulling the sleeves of her thick knit jumper down over her hands though the room was rather pleasantly warm what with the, somewhat noisy, portable heater in the corner pumping out hot, stale air. "What do you want me to say?" and she was rather exasperated for what could she say? "Do you want me to talk about how hard it is just to open my eyes and get out of bed everyday? That I feel like a terrible mother every morning that I am unable to take my son to school for fear of him asking where his father is once again and why he isn't taking him in anymore? That I can't answer him when he asks why Mama's sad all the time?" and the tears have started already and though she wants to stand, wants to run from the room and the eyes she can feel upon her, she can't because she knows they are not piteous gazes, no judgement within them for they too have had the same experiences, some not having children but their own responsibilities that seem so minimal without the support and simple presence of their loved ones...some have lost husbands as she has, some wives, some friends and some, heartbreakingly, have lost children...

"Before Dan- before my husband," she corrected, the sound of his name still too painful to bear even now, 6 months on. Her friends had stopped speaking of him, no doubt told of her meltdown by Mary Margaret when the woman had dropped by with some meals for her and Henry, attempting to get a laugh out of Regina by mentioning the fact that Emma, her roommate and friend, would most likely give them all food poisoning if she so much as stepped foot inside their kitchen and how Regina shouldn't have to cook what with everything that had happened. She'd gone on to talk of how everyone was missing Regina, always asking about her and giving their condolences and then she'd mentioned Daniel's name, had spoken it aloud for the first time since Regina had left the hospital, voice hoarse from calling it over and over, from asking him, _begging_ him to stay with her to no avail because he'd left, left her all alone in a world she knew nothing about without him there and she'd flipped, hadn't in so many words but she'd instantly stood and began pottering around the apartment, cleaning things she'd scrubbed only hours earlier ignoring Mary Margaret's concern and scrubbing, just scrubbing until there was a hole in the cloth she was using and friction burn on her hand, Henry's arrival home from school had been the only thing enough to calm her.

"Before he died, before I met him even" she laughed humourlessly, a hollow sound that bounced around the barely furnished room, "I was so naïve, Daddy's little girl who followed every rule to the letter and lived in my own little loveless, black and white washed world with a mother who-...and then he changed all that, he showed me that there was so much more to life than what I was living...before him I was just surviving but with him...I was _alive._"

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><p>"It was beautiful," she startled at the voice beside her having thought she was alone, her back pressed against the brick wall of the community centre and leg bent at the knee to rest her foot as she attempted to remember how to breathe properly again after her speech despite the cigarette she continued to puff on, a nasty habit she'd given up after Henry's birth but with Daniel's death, the habit had kicked in and the craving easier to handle than that of her need to see a husband she never would again. She'd spoken to this man before albeit briefly, just a quick exchange of greetings if they passed when entering the meeting and words of apology should they bump into one another in the break line for tea and biscuits. From what she knew of him he was a kind man, "what you said before about your husband." He explained interpreting her look of surprise for one of confusion, she'd known what he meant. His eyes were blue, not the same as Daniel's had been but just as striking, just as warm. He'd told his story before though she couldn't quite recall his name, had told it around two weeks prior and it had resonated within her...he'd lost his wife, that was it. Single father bereaved and learning to cope as he neared the 12 month anniversary of her death and Regina had almost spoken to him that week just as he was doing with her now, had almost gone to him and asked how he did it, how he coped with raising a little part of his wife knowing that it would be the last part of her he should ever know, but she hadn't...perhaps she would one day though, maybe next week when she wasn't feeling so vulnerable, that talk had taken a lot more out of her then she'd previously thought.<p>

"Thank you," she replied on a deeper breath than she had been able to take before, eyes cast up to the star scattered sky, the lights of the city around them obscuring so much of the world's beauty. She took another drag of her cigarette, vaguely aware of the similar cloud of smoke coming from the man still stood a little way away from her. The stars had been one of Daniel's favourite things to show her, he'd tell stories of the constellations and though he told them so convincingly, with such passion and pride, she knew enough herself to identify his own little anecdotes, tales that had been sown on for her entertainment and pleasure and she loved them, could recall each as though he were standing beside her and whispering them into her ear and if she closed her eyes, she could almost feel him twirling the dark strands of her hair between his thumb and forefinger as she laughed and laughed and...

_"Are you asleep my love?" he whispered softly into her ear, pressing a tender kiss to the skin just behind it that had her shivering beneath the thick woollen blanket he kept in the car for nights in which they would do this, when he'd bundle her into the car after leaving their boy with his mother and father or their good friend Emma and bring her here, to_ their _spot on_ their _hill._

_She hummed softly, rubbing her face into his shoulder as she inhaled the scent of fabric softener and something completely him before whispering back with a sleepy "no," that had him chuckling, his hand rubbing soothing lines up and down her back beneath the covering, affection flooding through him as she nuzzled into him a little more, her features relaxing further and he thought, for the hundredth millionth time since meeting her that she was the most breath-taking sight in all of the world, in all of any world for that matter._

_"Mmm Daniel?" she sighed so softly into his shoulder, fingers stroking along the arm that rested the length of her in order to intertwine with his as he pulled back in order to press another kiss to her forehead with a "yes my love?" breathed into her lavender scented hair, closing his own eyes as he continued stroking her back, her warmth lulling him into a sort of doze as he awaited her reply, "tell me another one..."_

_And he did, he would always heed her requests, would always continue on even as she slept soundly beside him, no longer listening simply so he could remain close to her, bathing in her essence for just a little longer even if that meant stiff backs and oncoming colds when they awoke the next morning, joking that they should build their own little cottage up there for the amount of nights they slept there accidentally or not._

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><p>The kind, blue-eyed man had gone when she'd pulled herself out of her reverie and she found she quite respected that. It was in those moments, when she'd lose herself to her past, to her grief, that Emma would find it apt to get her attention, to bring her back to reality believing it to be for the best and, though she had the best of intentions, Regina found herself wishing that she could just be left alone sometimes, to be left in the world in which her husband still remained, in which she could almost feel the kisses he would pepper against the skin of her face and neck, in which his voice still rang out so clear and beautifully...but she couldn't because she had responsibilities, she had a son, a part of Daniel that would always remain with her simply with his presence, her precious boy and recently she'd seemed to have forgotten that.<p>

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><p>It was a little after eight when she arrived back at the apartment, her key jamming a little in the lock reminding her that she had to call the handy man in the morning, she'd forget but it was at least a little normalcy seeping back into her weary bones, actually noticing the trivial little things that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things but stitched together some elements of her days. She pulled back on the handle, hearing the familiar click before she tried again and found the door to ease open with little effort as it always did. It was an old building, the apartment belonging to Emma's late grandmother who'd left it to her only grandchild in her will, she and the blonde had moved in not long after the woman's passing, just before Regina had met Daniel.<p>

Grateful was a term far too poor when it came to describing how Regina felt towards Emma. The blonde had understood when her friend had come home one evening after work with a 'shit-eating grin', as she'd called it back then, and told her that her boyfriend had _finally_ asked her to move in with him. There had been tears upon packing up Regina's things, finding old movies stubs in junk drawers and videos collecting dust underneath her bed they'd forgotten they had from the barely employed days where the only money they had was for rent and bad takeaway. They'd laughed at the old polaroid's that had been taped to Regina's wall so long ago and had become such a familiarity, such a normal part of the place that they found they hadn't looked at them in so long. The early days in which they called the place their 'big girl apartment', nights in with their friends who'd come with pink feather boas and face masks in tow and just days out either as a big group or just Emma and Regina, walks in the park, days on the beach...memories.

She'd been just as understanding when Daniel had died, had moved all of her things out of the spare room and into the small attic in order to fit Henry's bed and a few of his things, just enough until Regina could find her own place for them...that had been 6 months ago and the brunette hadn't been able to find it within her to look or go back to their old house in order to pick up the rest of their stuff before it had been sold on. Mercifully David, Mary Margaret's husband, had borrowed a loading truck from one of his friends and gone, with a handful of Regina's closest friends, to pick up their remaining belongings, loading them into a storage unit for the time being that both he and his wife paid for, it was 'the least they could do' they had told Regina when she'd been coherent enough to attempt a 'thank you', a lot of her days in the beginning spent in a dark room with food waiting outside of her door, food she was in no fit state to stomach and couldn't keep her raw eyes open long enough to try. Sometimes she'd have awoken with Henry tucked against her having no doubt crept in when Emma wasn't looking, she'd wave the blonde off when she did eventually realise and try to carry Henry back to his own bed. He really had suffered despite the fact that she hadn't explained the death of his father to him, it was almost as if the boy had lost two parents with the way she'd kept herself holed up...well not anymore.

At times when she allowed herself to look around she found herself musing that the apartment had seemed so much bigger when it wasn't stuffed with various dinosaurs and lego pieces, armour clad figures and tin foil swords but Emma only seemed to take it in her stride. She was Henry's godmother and, when Regina had chosen her not long after Henry's birth, the blonde had taken the role very seriously. Every other weekend she would stop by unannounced (though after a while Regina and Daniel began to expect her) in order to spend some quality time with her grandson and then, when he grew old enough to walk and eventually talk, she would take him on daytrips, sometimes not returning until the early evening with a fully fed and fully exhausted child slung over her shoulder, a bright smile always on her face that spoke of her affection for him more than any words could, though Henry would always regale them with tales of their adventures the next morning over breakfast, revelling in his parents reactions whether they be laughter of gasps of horror at the quests he had gone on like a brave little knight. It was because of their established relationship that the transition wasn't too hard on Henry, he had questions, plenty of questions that Regina had been in no fit state to answer but Emma, being Emma, had instantly swooped in and distracted him with something else, something shiny - always the saviour.

Entering the apartment she could smell the remnants of the pizza the blonde had no doubt ordered the instant Regina had left, Wednesday nights for Regina meant grief counselling, Wednesday nights for Emma and her son meant pizza and Disney. Normally, by this time, her 5 year old would be laying flat out on his back in his bed with spittle crusting in the corner of his open mouth and one of his many bedtime stories clutched tightly within his little fist, tonight however seemed to be an exception.

Her brow furrowed instantly at the sounds of crying echoing throughout the place followed by the soft cooing of her roommate as Emma, no doubt, attempted to calm Henry before Regina arrived home. There had been nights when he'd whimpered softly in his sleep and she'd been able to swoop in quietly, to brush back sweaty locks from his forehead and lull him back to peaceful dreams with a gentle lullaby or whispered words of comfort but she'd never come in to him crying in such a way.

Making it across the little hallway, she pushed open the living room door to find Emma pacing back and forth and holding a shirtless Henry to her, his legs wrapped tightly around her waist with his little arms around her neck and head pressed into her blonde curls. She was rubbing soothing lines up and down his back with one hand whilst her other arm had formed a support bridge under his pyjama clad bottom. She was whispering words of empathy into his ear when Regina's movement caught her attention.

"Hey little man," she whispered then as the brunette moved slowly across the carpeted floor in order to reach them, a sad smile on her face at the cries she could identify now, the sounds of illness. "Look who's home."

Instantly his little head lifted from it's place on Emma's shoulder, a few strands of her hair sticking to his cheek with the wetness of his tears yet he didn't seem to notice, especially not when he was already throwing himself out into the arms Regina had waiting for him. "Mama!"

As he had grown older and started sleeping over at other children's houses, Regina had been saddened when the title of 'Mama' had evolved into 'Mom', even 'Mommy' was something of a rarity now but when he was sick, when he was feeling ill and in need of his special 'Mama cuddles' as he'd always called them, the title slipped out easily and regularly. "Hey there my little man," she caught his weight easily as his legs moved to wrap tightly around her waist, his arms around her neck just as they had with Emma, the blonde often joked that he was part human part spider-monkey in times like these and it would make him giggle with the reference but tonight was most certainly not a giggly night. "What's wrong my precious boy?" she asked even as she began instinctively bouncing him gently in her hold, a hand holding his head against her shoulder as she turned her face to press kisses to the slightly heated skin of his neck, "you not feeling so good tonight?"

He shook his head into her neck and only held on tighter as his cries settled into whimpers, her presence calming him somewhat though she had almost been afraid that he'd forgotten who she was with the way she had left him recently, another pang of guilt settling within her at the thought. Emma's green eyes were filled with such caring sympathy as she moved forward to rub her hand over his back again, talking to him whilst addressing Regina. "someone's got a case of a poorly tummy haven't we mister?" her jade eyes only grow sadder at the sight of the boy nodding his head without moving it from his mother's neck.

"Will it help if Mama sleeps with you tonight baby?" she asks, her face turned so the words wash over the top of his bare back, her fingers scratching lightly against his scalp as she swung her body slowly side to side in attempts to soothe him at least a little. She could feel Emma's eyes on her and could almost see the surprise and possible pride resting there for she had suggested the same thing as a comfort for Regina many times over the past few months, most of the times the brunette had just brushed her off and on very few occasions she had snapped at the woman to mind her own business, those nights she had cried herself even harder to sleep. She had known the blonde was right but something in her just wouldn't allow the tears to stop, wouldn't allow the nausea to settle within her stomach.

_"Did you remember to set the alarm sweetheart?" she asked suddenly, the feeling of a deep sleep impending meant she was remembering things she should have asked about ten minutes earlier, nevertheless she felt him chuckle behind her, his arms wrapped around her and lips pressed to her bare shoulder, the thin strap of her pyjama vest having slipped down with her position. "What?" she queried with her own breathy laugh, her head lifting and turning a little on the pillow in order to give him the side eye._

_"Nothing" he gave back though he continued chuckling into her skin, peppering kisses to her lavender scented skin, "I just love you, that's all."_

_And she smiled then, the corners of her eyes creasing with the expression as she pulled on his arms in order to turn slowly to face him, their noses almost touching as their eyes locked with reflections of love clear even in the darkness of the room. "I_ just _love you too" she teased back on a soft breath, eyes trailing over his face as he laughed as quietly as he could, ever aware of the lateness of the hour. She watched him carefully, watched how his head fell a little heavier into his pillow as he studied her. "What now?"_

_"You're beautiful."_

_"Tell me something I don't know," was her instant laughed reply though she was stopped instantly by the hand that came to rest upon her cheek, thumb stroking the soft skin there as his expression grew serious though remained soft. She couldn't help but let her laughter fade into a content smile as she let him look at her, he'd told her once how much he enjoyed it and she couldn't help but revel in his tender affections._

_"You really don't know do you?" and he'd asked her this question many times before, more a statement of awe rather than anything for how anyone who looked as she did could not know, he would never understand._

_She knew he'd go on to regale her with tales of how his heart had practically stopped when he'd first seen her, how everything around him had frozen except her and how he'd have been content to simply watch her as she moved but he couldn't, he needed to know her, needed to be near her and so, knowing the story as she did, she leaned forward and cut off the rest with her lips over his, a hand against his cheek as she hovered above him. Pulling away slowly, lingering for as long as possible, she smiled warmly down at him. "You make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world," she whispered as her dark eyes took stock of his features, his handsome face, his kind blue eyes, "inside and out."_

_He'd smiled gently back at her, trailing a hand up the arm that was supporting her beside him before hooking his fingers around the back of her neck and pulling her back down to him in a kiss so gentle yet filled with such passion that she was instantly allowing her whole upper half to rest upon him, tilting her head in order to deepen the kiss with tongues tangli-_

_"Mama?" came a small voice from the doorway that had them pulling apart abruptly even as his hands remained in her hair and she remained just inches away from him with her face turned above his, "Daddy?"_

_"What's up my little knight?" she called softly to the silhouette standing in the doorway, a strange shape elongating one of his arms, his favourite stuffed monkey, "did you have a nightmare?"_

_"You wanna sleep with us tonight champ?" Daniel continued, sitting up and taking Regina with him even as she rotated in order to sit straight in bed once again, both watching as their son inched closer and closer to their bed with a thumb in his mouth, a habit Regina was trying to stop whilst Daniel only laughed and reminded her that he was still young. When the boy grew close enough, his father leaned down to pick him up with strong hands under his arms, lifting him over his body in order to place him into the spot his wife had just shifted from, right between them. _

_Instantly Henry was burrowing into her side, one little leg swinging to rest over her thigh as he buried his head into the crook of her neck and instantly fell back to sleep having been half asleep when he'd made his way to their room. She shifted down gently as not to jar him from slumber until she was on her back with her arms holding him closer, smiling when Daniel came to rest behind Henry with a hand moving over to rest upon her arm, his eyes already closing with the ease of this routine. They'd teach him one day to remain in his own bed, that monsters weren't real and mommy and daddy were right down the hall if he should need them for anything other than use of their bed but for now, as Regina looked at her two boys before dropping her own head down to sleep, Daniel's thumb rubbing lines over the skin of her arm lulling her to sleep, she found that right now she just wanted to revel in his love and attentions before he got too old to express them, for now she was content to just _be.

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><p>The following night, Regina got the call that changed everything...the following night, Daniel died along with all of her dreams of their future.<p>

* * *

><p>"I love you Mama," Henry whispered into her hair as he pulled himself in closer to her, practically lying on top of her as she held him just as tightly as he did her. She kept the shaking to a minimal, loathe to ruin this wonderful moment after she had deprived herself of it for so long, promising herself that she would not neglect her boy anymore no matter how many memories it brought back to the surface...perhaps she <em>would <em>speak to that kind man next week, perhaps he could help her start to heal.

"I love you too my precious little boy."


	2. Chapter 2

The air was somewhat biting in it's coldness as she tilted her head up, releasing a thick cloud of smoke and condensation as she exhaled slowly between gently pursed lips, allowing the nicotine to send her into a state of momentarily false relaxation, flicking at the filtered end with her thumb to shake loose any building ash. She could feel the building headache, scowled lightly at the taste of tobacco on her tongue. It was a filthy habit, one she'd been loathe to pick up again but when all else failed her, when her debilitating grief had grown into a rabid anger at the unfairness of the world, when rage had shaken her limbs and had her trembling with the need to do something, _anything_ other than cry, a smoke in the cold air of the city had done it, had managed to subdue her enough until she was able to escape into her own little cloud once more.

Her eyes closed and brow furrowed, head dropping back against age-dirtied red brick, readying herself for a talk she didn't particularly want to have at the sound of the metal bar being pushed inwards, her momentary peace ending with the arrival of the blonde. She'd no doubt heard Regina arriving home, had listened to the sounds of her ragged breathing, fidgeting verging on desperate and recognised the porcelain clang of the flower patterned pot in which the brunette kept her cigarettes, a mantra of 'out of sight, out of mind' completely redundant when she was in a mood such as this. She'd fight the temptation for as long as possible, wore a thin elastic band around her wrist to ward off cravings and the occasional anxiety attacks that seemed to have flared up in earnest recently by snapping the material against her skin, sometimes a little ashamed at the deep red mark that was practically a tattoo due to it's frequent appearances. Cigarettes though, in the end, were easy, were isolated and were enough if only for a moment.

Emma was quiet as she stepped out onto the rooftop, a sharp inhale indicating her coldness, arms folded across her chest as she moved to stand beside Regina, mirroring her leaning position against the brick wall. Regina's tears had long since dried with the brisk morning breeze, the redness tinting her eyes still remained. She could still feel the tightness of her face, the itchiness of dry eyes and the way her skin had become puffy. She'd be blotchy, she'd be almost pitiful in appearance but then, who the hell cared? She most certainly didn't and Emma had seen her looking far worse, if not over the past few months then most definitely at least one point in their friendship.

It was a long moment before either woman spoke, Regina not planning on uttering a single word and Emma simply allowing the brunette a few moments more in order to gather herself ready for conversation, it was a routine they had long since perfected. A cloud of fog left Emma's mouth as she let out an audible exhale, hers less dense than Regina's with the absence of a cigarette, sometimes she'd join her friend if only to be sociable, knowing how much grief the woman got from other friends, but other times she'd be just as judging, her heart in the right place even if the brunette did tune her out now and then in favour of hearing the same old lecture. "School run didn't go so well I take it?" she asked carefully, the wince heard clearly within her tone even as Regina's head tilted to the side, still resting upon the wall, in order to level the blonde with a look that only confirmed her guess.

"You wanna talk about it?"

The brunette heaved a tired sigh as she bent her arm at the elbow, creating a right angle in order to bring her cigarette back up to her dry lips, lips she was sure would crack should she ever manage something resembling a smile. She took a long pull, eyes squinting a little as smoke drifted over to her dark eyes, surprised when they watered, almost sure in her belief that she had no water left in her body whatsoever, especially none left to cry. Her lips pursed as she breathed out through her nose, smoky tendrils leaving her airways in a steady stream before she opened her mouth to reply, last remnants of smoke pushed out with her words. "Do I ever want to talk about it?"

At that, Emma couldn't help but shrug, a lilting of her lips to show her agreement though Regina wasn't looking, she knew though, Emma was her best friend, sometimes no words were needed. The blonde didn't look, simply took the cigarette from between Regina's fingers when the woman's arm rose to her side. She'd smoked it almost to the filter, only a drag left which Emma savoured with held breath, feeling a slight rush due to her complete lack of smoking recently, a good thing she had decided. She stubbed the last bit of flaming ash out on the brick wall before dropping it into the tin pot that had been placed there by their landlord, despite his insistence that residents were not allowed to smoke on the roof.

"I hate the way they look at me," Regina spoke quietly, her head hanging down, eyes watching as the misting rain sprayed upon the leather of her boot, her feet aching a little with the newness of wearing heels again after so long of traipsing around their apartment barefoot or wearing comfy flats to attend her meetings. Upon deciding, this morning, that she was going to bite the bullet and take her son to school, she felt the need to dress as she used to, to pull out dresses unworn since before her husband's death, to slip on heels that had fallen into darkness in the deepest parts of her closet. She hadn't worn make-up for the longest of times, leaving the lines of exhaustion from nights spent crying on display, Emma nor Henry cared how she looked and there was certainly no one in her group she wished to impress, many of the other women just as bare as she for most would leave crying anyway. Best to leave with cheeks splotched red with tears rather than stained with black rivers of mascara but that morning, knowing she was to face the other mothers, the same women she would scoff at for gossiping on the playground like schoolchildren as they saw their kids to school, the women she knew would have been discussing her life the past few months, musing over her disappearance and that of Emma taking her place. She couldn't face them without her mask, without her armour.

"The pity in their eyes," and she makes a gagging sound that has Emma chuckling softly beside her, still marvelling at the fact that humour was beginning to seep back into their household. She had been on tenterhooks, editing everything that came out of her mouth before she spoke but ever so slowly, Regina had begun laughing at her silly jokes again, cracking a smile when Henry would giggle as Emma threw him over her head, racing him around their living room like the fighter jets he'd seen in the children's encyclopaedia that had been handed out to all of the children upon their new term at school. "And I just know, as soon as I see Henry off, as soon as I turn my back, their little vicious tongues are wagging, no doubt commenting on how I'm finally acting like a mother again."

"Regina" Emma began then, tone imploring as it always was when Regina flew into one of her self-deprecating moods. "You were grieving, you still _are_," she pointed out with wide eyes as she turned to look at the woman still staring down at the ground, "no one can blame you for that."

Dark hair shook as Regina heaved out a deep sigh, frustration almost having her reaching into the pocket of her trench coat and pulling out another Marlborough Light, instead she clenched her fingers and pushed on, Archie's voice filling her mind, encouraging her to open up more, especially to those who'd been her pillars of strength during this time. Emma deserved that much at the very least.

"I had responsibilities Emma," she began, glancing over in time to see the surprise colouring emerald eyes and realising all the more just how much she'd been shutting the woman out recently, something that had shame burning within the pit of her stomach. "He's already lost one parent and I...I let him believe he'd lost me too."

"Regina, it wasn't-"

"I heard him Emma," she interrupted swiftly, her tone hard though lacking in any anger, it was her fault, the blonde had become a kind of second Mom to Henry in her absence, had stepped up when she'd fallen back. "I heard him asking why Momma didn't tuck him in anymore and why I didn't..." she hadn't even felt the lump clawing it's way up her throat, hadn't had the time to supress the sob that came spilling forth from her lips and had her hand shooting up to cover her mouth as her body jerked with the force of the emotion. Fat salted tears burned their way down her cheeks as her eyes squeezed shut, her head falling forward whilst her free arm came up to wrap around her torso in attempts to keep herself from falling apart completely. She was so done with crying, so completely worn out from feeling the _same _goddamn feelings of despair ripping her apart from the inside out.

"Why you didn't love him anymore?" the blonde supplied with lips pulled down into her own sad frown, she remembered that night, Henry had awoken from another of his nightmares, a common occurrence ever since Daniel's death and, though she doubted the boy knew anything even close to the truth of why his father wasn't coming home, she knew he felt the absence and even more so when his mother had retreated into her own grief. She'd held Henry tightly to her, pacing always seemed to calm him, a hand pressing his head into her neck as she gently shushed him, praying that Regina was still lost within the clutches of the sleeping tablets she'd been prescribed the week before last after she'd almost collapsed from exhaustion. It had been then, when she was almost sure that the boy had fallen asleep in her arms, little hiccoughs still escaping after the strength of his crying, that he'd asked her quite candidly "why doesn't Momma wuv Henwy no more?" and though she'd believed Regina hadn't heard his question...it seemed she had.

"How could I even let it get to that point?" she choked out through a thick sob, a hand coming up to swipe at the liquid mess streaming from both her eyes and nose, completely ignoring the crimson lipstick she was most likely smudging across her face and sleeve in the process, the tears were not abating and each attempt at calming her breathing only had it growing faster in her distress. "He's my baby, he lost Daniel too and I just left him!" and she knew Emma was about to try and soothe her once again, give false reassurances that it was okay, that he knew she loved him really but how could he? He was just a little boy, barely able to comprehend words never mind emotions such as grief, all he knew was that his mother was crying all of the time and didn't want to see him anymore. She threw up a hand before Emma could speak, cutting the woman off as she finally began grounding her emotions, sucking in deep breaths and thinking of the previous night, of the way her son had clung to her, cuddled into her throughout the night and how she had awoken to him peppering kisses all over her face in a way she did whenever he had been upset in the past. It had been their little morning routine and her heart had warmed to find that he had remembered it, warming even more when he'd giggled at the smile that had broken out on her face even before her dark eyes had opened to find him leaning above her.

"I'm sick of crying," she finally whispered when her tears had trickled to a stop, a throbbing pain still evident whenever she swallowed hardening her resolve, "I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to fall apart with the smallest of pushes and I'm tired of being such a crappy mother," she shook her head as she straightened once more, gave a quick glance to the blonde beside her and then back out towards the world in front of her, a lot of the city visible from her vantage point standing on top of the roof. "Henry deserves better than what I've been giving him and I'm going to make sure he gets it."

* * *

><p>She knew it wasn't going to be easy, simply stating that she was going to pick herself back up, to stop the tears, stop her dwelling and get back some semblance of a life she once had, a life her son deserved but she still couldn't stop the spike of frustrated anger that shot through her upon waking, a thick cloud of grief still hanging heavily over her.<p>

"It's a process Regina," Archie stated as he came to stand beside her fully, frowning a little as she pulled out another cigarette having only just stubbed the previous one out though he wouldn't comment, had fought the fight with her before and relented upon her statement that whilst the rest of her life was currently set upon a downward spiral, whilst she felt she was still completely out of control of almost every aspect, that he could at least let her have this one vice, the one thing she felt she could control, the click of a button, the light of a flame and a pull of her lips resulting in a small moment of calm. "I know you feel as though you're not progressing but there is no time limit on grief, no time frame for happiness...you will find yours," he laid a hand upon her upper arm, thumb moving the thin sleeve of her charcoal grey cardigan in a line meant to be soothing though she only ever viewed it as condescending, she did not need codling nor treating with kid gloves. "Of that I am sure."

Her eyes are downcast when he leaves, something he has grown accustomed to both with her and with others he has tried to help over the years, each with a different story but most with the same walls thrown up, their trust in the world diminished with the cruel loss of one they loved. He goes with a sad smile and one last rub of her arm, nodding a greeting to another who'd been just as frustrated as she not too long ago, another with a bad smoking habit.

He's not so silent this time when he approaches, she hears the way his boots scuff along the pavement as he moves a little closer to her, hands rummaging within the pockets of his jeans, moving upwards to the one stitched onto the right breast of his shirt before patting the front and back pockets of his jeans once more, huffing a sigh of frustration before moving to walk inside once more, stopped only when her arm lifts, her palm upturned with her own pack of cigarettes in offering for him. "Here."

When he remains quiet for a long moment, she chances a glance up to find him looking sheepish, unsure of whether or not to take what she's freely offering until she gives an impatient jolt of her arm, her eyebrows raised in encouragement and a small, completely subtle smile tugging at the corners of her lips, completely undetectable to any but herself.

He lifts the pack from her hand tentatively, as though waiting for her fist to close and her lips to quirk in a mean smile with a shout of 'psyche'...but she doesn't, only rolls her eyes at his slowness and drops her hand once it's empty. "Thank you," he speaks softly, a guilty laugh lacing his words as his mouth opens to say more, to apologise for having no smokes in the first place perhaps but before he can-

"No worries and," she begins without looking to him though her words are far from unkind, she'd snapped at strangers before, idiots who'd stopped in front of the community centre on other nights when she'd needed a break from meetings, had known nothing about her, tried to sidle up to her all for a free cigarette but with this man, these people, she couldn't. They were a team, a support system sharing stories and trying to hold onto something tangible together. "You owe me one."

She hadn't finished her own cigarette, had stubbed it out on the wall behind her as she'd spoken to him, flashing the smallest of smiles as she passed to show no harm was meant, a laugh rumbling from him indicating that none had been felt. It was the first time, with someone other than her son, Emma and perhaps once or twice Mary Margaret and David, that she hadn't felt heavy in the presence of another, hadn't felt as though she were being watched, judged, _observed_ like some kind of caged animal in a test centre. Perhaps her previous thoughts, her inclination to speak to this man, to learn more about how he'd coped with the loss of his wife, maybe they were worth exploring.

* * *

><p>The session had been heavy today, most weeks, with regular attendees, they would work on techniques Archie had perfected over the years. Things like breathing exercises when they felt themselves clogging up, anxiety attacks building and ways in which to clear their minds when things got a little too much but not today, today they'd had a new arrival, a new story, a new tale of heartache.<p>

Michael Tillman was his name, a gentle looking man in his late 30's like herself and a few others, eyes bloodshot and swollen, fingers twitching nervously, shaking as he'd spoken much like many of theirs had been when they'd first shared. They'd listened attentively in their circle, all leaning forward in a show of respect, of welcoming and of encouragement. They'd offered kind smiles when he'd glanced at them, had nodded in agreement when he'd spoken of feeling so lost, of not knowing which way was up and seeing no end to the pain that weighed him down.

Not one child but two, two children lost to him, suspected dead but with no bodies how could he even begin to believe that they were gone? How could he even allow himself to entertain the notion that his kids were gone from his life forever, his babies never coming home to him? That's why he'd been referred to the group, had been advised to seek the company of others who'd been in similar situations to him and were living with a similar pain but learning to cope.

Normally she'd return to her car the instant the session was over, would wait until she could sneak on up to the rooftop in order to have one last cigarette before attempting to sleep, chasing dreams that always seemed to be running from her. Tonight however, when a warm hand had settled upon her bicep, when gentle blue eyes crinkled with a smile had found hers and he'd asked in that, somewhat, charming British accent, whether she'd stay for one last smoke with him, explaining he'd 'popped out' during the break to buy some of his own, the same brand as hers she'd noticed when he'd tipped the open end in her direction, allowing her to slide out a straight with dainty fingers, smirking as he told her that he couldn't leave when he still 'owe'd her one'. So this is how they stood, in the first spot she'd spoken to him, a place she was now beginning to associate with him even though it was hers, even though she'd frequented it since she'd first attended the group, had never seen him there before despite the fact he'd been coming far longer than she.

"Tragic isn't it," he commented softly, sighing with smoke escaping his nostrils as they both watched the new member walking on over to his car, Archie strolling slowly beside him with a palm pressed to his back, whispering words of encouragement in the man's ear though his head remained hung. It was how she'd looked after her first session, she had no doubt, and though she often found her eyes rolling when the red-headed therapist spouted off some of his 'things will get better' shit, the man only meant well and he did care about each and every one of them.

She hummed her agreement, rolling her cigarette between her fingers before flicking at the end with her thumb, shaking loose the gathering ash, watching it roll away on the light breeze before looking up to find his eyes upon her, questioning almost. And she knows what he's thinking for her agreement hadn't been all too strong, she knows it's tragic, can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child, especially two "but..." and she hadn't realised she'd begun speaking until his head had flicked up ever so slightly, attentive and waiting for her to continue, "I can't help but feel as though maybe..." and she huffed out a dejected sigh, her head beginning to shake and words describing herself as silly ready to be spoken but stopped when he spoke instead, finishing her thought for her.

"Maybe they're not dead?" he asks, eyebrows raised though not in mocking, she finds, confirmed when he continued. "I don't think they are either," he confides, taking a long pull of his own cigarette as he looked out towards the car park, only theirs left, Archie having taken his leave after seeing Michael off, most likely encouraging him to return next week much like he had with every new member. "It may be false hope and I'd never express it to the poor man but...I don't disagree with what he's doing, the beliefs he's being told are wrong." And she can hear how his voice hardens then, his soft English tones sharpening with all the might of a father, "I mean how can someone tell him what to think? How can someone tell him that he _shouldn't _hope to see his children again?"

And finally she's nodding in complete agreement, is agreeing wholeheartedly as she winces having not noticed how far down her cigarette had gotten to the end, her lips burning a little with the closeness of the heat. She looks over to her left, brushes passed Robin ever so slightly as she goes to drop her stub into the ash bin Archie had had installed a few weeks back. They'd exchanged names a little earlier, both knowing the information already from the sessions but neither having formally introduced themselves. Both found they quite appreciated the other's company, Robin polite yet determined in his own views whilst Regina would either agree or challenge him completely, it was refreshing for both.

"I need to get going," she sighed as she walked back over to him slowly, her eyes having fallen to her watch, surprising her with the realisation that she'd stayed much later than she'd meant to, a little frustrated that she hadn't managed to ask him what she'd wanted to just yet, ask him about his wife, about his son and about his journey through his grief over the passed year.

He looked a little disappointed at her statement, moving to stub out his own cigarette before walking to her side, both moving slowly towards their cars that they'd, somehow, managed to park beside one another's despite arriving at different times. The air was a little brisker than when she'd arrived, seeping through the thin cardigan she'd deemed warm enough in the early evening air yet now regretted with the way her limbs began to tremble ever so slightly, glad that Robin had kept enough distance ensuring their arms weren't touching.

It was as they neared their cars that he opened his mouth to speak, fidgeting with his keys a little as he came to a stop as she did, looking down to his feet whilst inhaling a deep breath, looking up on the exhale with slight apprehension on his face, apprehension that had her shifting nervously where she stood.

"I hope you don't think it would be too forward of me to ask you out for a coffee sometime soon?" he asked ever so politely, face creasing as her breath stuttered and caught in her throat, the irregularity of her breathing evident with the fog that had become their breath in the frosty air, heart pounding a strange rhythm whilst her stomach dropped at the thought of being in the presence of another man in any way close to resembling a date. He seemed to sense her distress though, his eyes widening as his hands raised as though in surrender before he began stuttering some kind of apology. "I'm sorry Regina," he breathed, "I should have considered my words better, I only meant so that we may talk more, maybe bring our boys along?" he continued in the hopes that he could pull them back to their previous levels of comfort, "I know it's been hard for me to find the courage to face anyone but his teachers, to socialise at all when the parents of his friends knew my Ma-" and he stopped himself then, just as she always did whenever _his _name came to falling from her lips, still too painful to speak it, "my wife."

And she finds herself nodding again, breathing out her own apology at reacting so strongly, "yesterday was the first time I managed to take Henry to school since...well, you know" she looked down at her shoes briefly before looking up to find only understanding in his eyes, "I think a little after school interaction could do him good."

He nodded again at that, relief written all over his expression morphing into a warm smile that she couldn't help but mirror as they both backed away to their respective vehicles. "I'm listed," he informed her, "call me whenever you're ready and free," he continued on and she found herself appreciating that he was allowing her the option of calling him in her own time, ever aware that this was not a date and heart lifting with the thought of having someone to talk to who knew exactly what she was going to, who, when they soothed with _'I understand' _she did not want to pummel with a strong fist because they didn't understand, but he did. "And my son's name is Roland," he called finally as he began lowering himself into the seat of his car, smiling as she laughed a little at the tidbit of information he needn't have given to her, not when they were going to be meeting in the week.

She gave a quick nod in understanding and raised a hand in thanks before lowering herself into her own seat, fiddling with her seat belt, ensuring her mirrors were in correct position and cranking up the heating, seat heating included, before allowing herself a moment to actually sit back and think of the last few hours, shocked upon realising that for the first time, she was leaving a session feeling a little lighter and the tiniest bit of hope shining through her grey cloud and it was everything to do with a certain British widower. She was going to give her son back the life he deserved and, maybe a little interaction with Robin and his son would do him good...would do them both good.


End file.
